At the ripe old age of 33, I have FINALLY seen The Sound of Music.

All of these years, not really liking musicals, I’ve avoided The Sound of Music like the plague.  It’s been on TV zillions of times, but I never bothered watching it.

You guys!  I had no idea what I was missing!

The Sound of Music is now one of my FAVORITE movies and I’m totally kicking myself for waiting all these years to see it!

I’ll admit that the first, oh, half hour, I kept thinking, “There sure is a LOT of singing.”  Which yes, thankyouverymuch, I realize that there’s lots of singing in musicals.  Duh.  It just seemed like it was a little cheesy. I nearly turned the movie off.

But then!  Then!  Then I kinda fell in love with the dreamy Captain.  I’d heard he was kinda dreamy, but really?  I didn’t believe it.   I loved how Maria was able to break through his crusty exterior and then he softened and became so dreamy!

And then I wanted to punch out that bitchy Baroness.    From the very beginning, I could tell she was Trouble!  With a capital “T”!  Then I was rooting for Maria to leave the nunnery (or whatever it was called) and be with Capt. von Trapp so he wouldn’t marry that awful Baroness!

And that Rolf, the telegram boy?  I just knew he was a bad guy!  Liesl just HAD to stay away from him.

The drama!  I had no idea there was an actual storyline in the movie with the escape from the Third Reich!  Ooh, it made me so nervous when they got caught trying to get away under the cover of darkness, pushing the car, and seeing that evil Hitler-loving butler watching from the window!  And then when they were hiding in the Abbey after the singing festival!  So much drama!

Eventually, the music grew on me, too.  I’m embarrassed to admit that I’d heard the song “Edelweiss” before, but I had NO IDEA it was from The Sound of Music!  And “My Favorite Things?”  Didn’t know that song had come from the movie.  *shrugs shoulders*

So now it’s my mission to see movies (and TV shows) that I’ve previously snubbed.  I’ve apparently been missing out on CULTURE.

On my list:

1.  Braveheart

2.  Gone With the Wind (from start to finish…not just bits and pieces)

3.  Lost

….What else am I missing?!  I know there’s so much I haven’t seen.  (Especially movies released since Carson was born.  I’ve only been to the theatre three times since he was born.  And one of those times was for that wretched movie Mamma Mia.  GAG-O-RAMA.)

Add to my list!

Tags: it's not a blog it's HBO // 40 Comments »

Uh.  Hi.  I feel a little raw and exposed after my last post.  More than that, though, I feel honored that so many of you shared your stories and let me know I wasn’t alone.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

So. *clap, clap*  I’m feeling much better now!  How about you?

Actually I’m feeling better about the whole “bad day” thing from yesterday (oh alright, the past 2 1/2 years), but in the last 48 hours I’ve somehow managed to break three different pieces of machinery and I’m feeling rather irritated.

Maybe it’s my magnetism that causes these things to break?  Am I giving off some sort of “break right now you silly machine” vibe?

1.  Washing machine.  Broke.  Full of water and towels.  Couldn’t be drained.  I tried putting it on the spin cycle just so it would drain.  I did!  I tried.

Washing machine repairman walked in, turned the dial to the spin cycle and it drained.  He looked at me like I was a DUMBASS.

“I, uh, DID that.  It didn’t drain for me.”

He looked at me again like I was a dumbass.  “It would have drained.”

“But it didn’t.”

“It would have.”

I’d have kicked him in the family jewels for arguing with me like a three-year-old, but I really wanted him to fix my washing machine.  He fixed it, costing less than I’d expected.

I felt smug.

“HA!  You can’t get me Universe!  I win.”

Just a mere four hours later…

2.  Laptop.  Broken.  Wouldn’t even turn on.  Went to sleep mode and didn’t wake up.

Universe?  Suck it.

Without a computer, I’m cut-off from the world.  I don’t even HAVE a phone book to look up a number for a computer repair person.

Nearly 24 hours after going into a coma, it miraculously starts.  I’m now too afraid to let it go asleep again.  Thank God for blogs and Twitter, they’ll keep my computer’s brain waves from flatlining.

“Universe?  What’s going on?”

Just this morning…

3.  Computer printer at BMV.  Suddenly broken.  Working fine until I sit down to request to take the driver’s exam to get an Indiana driver’s license.

One child is screaming in her stroller.  The other child just took a poop and I forgot to bring wipes.

“Keep smiling at the BMV worker,” I tell myself.  “Don’t scream at her to PLEASE OH PLEASE HURRY and just print the test at a different computer.  Oh yeah, Universe?  Leave.  Me.  Alone.  I’m NOT talking to you.”

The BMV worker calls another BMV office to try to figure out the printer’s major malfunction.  Answers the same question several times.  Turns printer off and on and on and off.  Over and over and over.

Printer still not working.

I keep smiling.  I’m not smiling on the inside, in fact I’m gagging a little from the stench coming from the boy child’s ass.

Eventually an angel appears from another printer with my test.  I sing Hallelujah and thank Carson for helping speed up the process.

(If you don’t hear from me for several days, you’ll know the computer is on the fritz.  Or that my magnetism broke some more appliances/electronics/machines.)

Tags: Huh?, Quirky Me, Randomness // 32 Comments »

I can hear him screaming over the monitor.  Angrily I roll over to check the time on the clock.  5:48.  Seething, I get out of bed, forgetting to stop and pee and march upstairs in the dark to his room.

I don’t know if I can do this again today.

“Mommy!” he screams.  “Please don’t leave.  Sit right here on the floor, beside me,” he pleads after I tell him that it’s not 7:00 yet and that Mommy is very, very tired and want to go back to bed.

I sit down wearily beside his crib, cursing inside.  I wonder if he’s truly scared or if he’s just manipulating me.  Also, I have to pee.

I promise him that I’m just leaving for a moment so that I can pee.  “I’ll leave your door open.  I’m just going right across the hall to the bathroom.”  He starts to scream as I leave.

I turn to him and in my angriest voice, which surprises even me, I tell him to shut up and that I’ll be right back.

I only feel slightly bad that I told him to shut up.  I hope he didn’t notice.

After he’s finally settled I go back to sleep for what seems like ten seconds, but rather it’s about 40 minutes.  6:58 is what I see on the clock as I hear Carson screaming for me again.  Just to spite him, I want to let him scream for two more minutes until 7:00.  Or to spite him, I want to go up to his room and scream at him to please just shut up and wait for f*cking 7:00.

I go in, scoop him out of his crib, saying nothing.  The day begins.

*******

I look around the kitchen and notice the crumbs and fruit flies.  My floor looks as if I haven’t swept or mopped since ever, despite having done both just two days prior.

There is a pile of dirty dish towels, in desperate need of washing and smelling like spoiled milk.

My washing machine is broken, full of water and wet towels.

*******

“Uh oh!” Ella squeals as she tosses her sippy cup, full of milk over the edge of her chair.

The cup is no longer full of milk.

It’s empty, the white milk in a puddle on the floor.  Splashes of white milk dot the cupboards.

It doesn’t matter.  The floor is already dirty.

*******

“You don’t even like me anymore.  I can’t even joke around with you anymore.”  In one respect, I hear Tate’s words and I feel badly that he could even think this.  Of COURSE I like him.  Of COURSE he can joke around with me, but after days of little sleep and constant battles, I need adult interaction.  I need HIM to listen to ME.

Immediately his words make my heart harden and I feel my face redden with anger.  “How dare he,” I think silently to myself.  “All I do every minute of everyday is GIVE.  What about me?  What about thinking of MY feelings.”  I say nothing.

*******

Ella is almost walking.  She takes two or three hesitant steps, her arms out in front of her body for balance before she falls on her bottom.  Over and over she stands up and tries again.

I smile at her and want nothing more than to swoop her up and feel her soft skin against my face and smother her sweet little neck with kisses.

In an instant I can go from feeling such rage to giggling in spite of myself.

*******

He asks if I need a break, just to get away.  “Go for a walk,” he tells me.  I can hear the annoyance in his voice and I want to shout back at him, “you have NO idea what it’s like to be home everyday with these kids.  I do EVERYTHING for them.  You have NO idea.”

I do need a break.  I do want to get away.

NO.  I want to RUN away.

“It’s too hot to go for a walk,” I say instead.

********

I consider not hitting publish.

But I do it anyway.

(Haven’t I written this post about a hundred times before?)

Tags: Go Fly a Kite, Little Monkeys, Mommydom, confession, hole-y matrimony, my stream of consciousness // 120 Comments »

This situation of which I’m going to describe is PURELY hypothetical.  Not one ounce of truth to it, no siree.  None whatsoever.  *fingers crossed behind my back*

So tell me, what would you do if, say, you were on a walk with your (two) kids in an adjoining neighborhood and you suddenly had the most terrible, all-consuming itch.

The itch is in the upper crotch region, not to be confused with the lower crotch region-which obviously if you’re itching “down there” you might want to see a DOCTOR.

Anyway, this upper crotch region itch is a really, really itchy itch.  It itches so much you can barely walk.  It itches so much you feel like if you don’t scratch it, you’ll lose your mind.

Keep this in mind, you’re not in your neighborhood.  It’s highly unlikely that you’ll see anyone you know.  Even if you did see someone, most likely you’d never see them again.  Also, it’s early in the morning, but not so early that there are lots of people driving by heading for work, kids have already left for school.  Basically, it looks as if nobody even knows you’re there.

But also keep in mind the fact that it’s your CROTCH that itches and to scratch it looks incredibly nasty to the average Joe who happens to witness such an act.

Do you get in there and scratch away, right there on the street, trying to act like nothing’s amiss as you attempt to continue pushing your double stroller while getting after that itch?

Or do you suck it up and continue walking while thinking non-itchy and non-scratchy thoughts?

WHAT do you DO????

I’m just curious in case this ever happens to me.  Also, I’m just collecting this information for a book I’m writing on survival skills in the suburbs.  Um.  Yeah.

Tags: Ask Teh Internets, I am woman, Quirky Me, confession, my stream of consciousness // 73 Comments »

When we lived in Alabama, we were not friends with any of our neighbors.  There were no evening chats in the middle of the street, no neighborhood parties, no anything even remotely neighborly.

My new neighborhood here in Indiana is the POLAR opposite.  Everyone talks to each other (except one family and they don’t talk to anyone), we have neighborhood parties, and we all are always just, well…NEIGHBORLY.   It’s exactly what I wanted in a neighborhood, down to the ability to walk next door to grab a cup of flour or have the neighbor across the street offer to take my kids when I have to go to the doctor.

Though wonderful, it can be a little overwhelming at times, to say the least.

Partly because we live on a virtual postage stamp and partly because there are lots of kids in the neighborhood, there is NO privacy.  There have been times I just want to go outside, watch the kids play, and not talk to anyone.  Instead of peace and quiet, I’ve had a two hour conversation with one of the neighbors while the kids run around screaming.  Other times, I’ve had to be the bad guy and carry two screaming children home from an impromptu neighborhood get-together with all the kids because it was well past dinner time.  Try explaining to a two-year-old and a fifteen-month-old why everyone except them gets to stay outside and play.  (Hint:  It’s not fun.  Lots of screaming is involved.)

I truly love the community where we live.  However, it would be nice to be able to control how much community I have to ingest sometimes.

Not being one to just bitch without having a solution, I think I have found the answer.  Not only will my idea bring joy and happiness to weary neighbors across the universe yearning for peace and quiet, but it will make me RICH.

It’s called the Go! Neighbor Alert/Deflection System, or GoNADS.  It’s very simple, all you need is three colors of fabric, red, green, and yellow.  You may recognize the red, green, and yellow colors from when you learned about traffic laws.  In case you’re not familiar with this or you’re just plain dumb, let me give you a brief refresher course…

Red means “stop.”

Green means “go.”

Yellow means “be careful, slow down.”

Place your selected flag to alert neighbors of your outside plans on your mailbox or flagpole.  As an added bonus, you can also use “flag holding” as a means of punishment for unruly children, making them sit in the driveway holding the flag, for all the neighbors to see.

Now your intentions will be known.  When people see a red flag, they’ll know that they need to stay the hell away.  A green flag tells your neighbors, “hey!  We’re ready to play!  Bring some beer when you come!”  A yellow flag means, “be careful.  I have PMS/my husband is going to be late AGAIN/I’ve been drinking.  You may not want to come over right now unless you want me to talk your ear off.”

I’m going to sell these pieces of fabric in a kit, complete with rubber bands!  Right now, I’m thinking that $39.99 is a good price for my GoNADS, so I’ll start taking orders now.

Cha-ching.

Tags: Indiana, Life in LA, Randomness, my stream of consciousness // 69 Comments »

This picture actually has NOTHING to do with jazz hands, but it is a picture of sun flare and whenever I hear the word “flare” it totally makes me think of “jazz hands.”

I don’t why, OKAY.   Humor me, won’t you?

More WW here.

Also!  I’m entering this photo in a contest sponsored by See Hear Speak No Evil.  Winner gets a $10 gift card to a place of their choice online.  The theme this month is “Nature.”  Sun-Nature…get it!?  Go enter a nature-y picture yourself!

Tags: Contest, Pictures, Wordless Wednesday, my stream of consciousness, playing along // 32 Comments »

I KNOW that the “experts” say we shouldn’t reward our children with food.  They’ll end up with messed up ways of thinking about food and eventually be morbidly obese and probably prematurely bald or something.

So in the interest of following the advice of “experts” and not royally screwing him up, I didn’t actually reward Carson’s surprisingly AWESOME school behavior with pudding.  Rather, I rewarded him with MAKING pudding.  That’s totally different.

Any kids that sits in circle time AND sings AND likes it, totally deserves some pudding.  I mean, they deserve to MAKE some pudding.

Poor Carson with the cheap Mommy. Maybe someday I’ll make enough off my ads to by real Nilla Wafers.

Now if I can just get him to wait until after dinner to eat it…then the pudding would be dessert and NOT a reward!  TOTALLY.  DIFFERENT.

Tags: Little Monkeys, Mommydom, Pictures, confession, kitchens are no place for playgroupies // 51 Comments »